In a world rife with racism, sexism, xenophobia, and hate, navigating conversations about these topics can feel like walking a tightrope. On one hand, we want to show empathy and validate the feelings of others. On the other, we don’t want to excuse or tolerate systems of injustice or the choices that perpetuate harm.
So how do we hold space for someone else’s experience while staying true to our values?
The answer lies in balancing empathy and accountability. Here’s how you can approach these conversations with compassion and clarity.
Start with Empathy
Empathy doesn’t mean you agree—it means you recognize someone else’s feelings as valid. It’s about connecting with their humanity, even if you struggle with their actions or beliefs.
For example, if someone explains why they tolerate a workplace steeped in sexism, you might say:
• “I can see how hard this situation is for you and how much it takes for you to endure it.”
This acknowledgment doesn’t mean you accept the sexism—it means you acknowledge the emotional toll it’s taking on the person. Empathy allows for connection, which is essential before any meaningful dialogue can take place.
Acknowledge Complexity
People don’t make decisions in a vacuum. Choices are often shaped by fear, survival, or societal pressures. By acknowledging this complexity, you create space for understanding while clarifying your own values.
You could add:
• “It’s so unfair that this is a choice you’ve had to make. It frustrates me that society forces people to accept harmful situations just to get by.”
This statement validates their feelings while shifting the focus to the larger systems of oppression, not the individual.
Separate the Person from the Behavior
Empathy focuses on the person, while accountability focuses on the behavior or system. It’s okay to be angry about injustice while still showing compassion to those affected by it.
For example:
• “I understand why you’ve made this decision, but I also feel upset about how these systems make it so hard to fight back without facing harm. It’s not right.”
This approach shows that your anger isn’t directed at them but at the broader problem.
Important Note: This suggestion may not be realistic or possible in some circumstances, such as (but not limited to situations) where a person is exhibiting racist, sexist, xenophobic or other discriminatory behaviors that may directly or indirectly be causing or contributing to harm and threatening the safety, freedoms, and livelihoods of others. Respecting a difference in opinion or perspective in some circumstances can be helpful; tolerating and/or supporting hate and injustices that oppress or threaten the rights and freedoms of others, whether directly or indirectly, presents a difference in character and values. In these cases, it is not always possible to separate the person from their behavior or harmful and hateful ideals.
In sum, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” -James Baldwin
Assert Shared Values
Reaffirming shared values can bridge the gap between empathy and accountability. It reminds the other person that your concerns come from a place of care, not judgment.
You might say:
• “I value your safety and well-being, and I also believe we deserve a world where no one has to tolerate hate to survive. Both of these things are true.”
This kind of statement helps align your goals without dismissing their reality.
Invite Dialogue
Finally, leave room for collaboration. Ask open-ended questions to explore ways to move forward together:
• “What can we do to support each other in challenging these injustices? How can I help while respecting your boundaries?”
By focusing on partnership, you show that you’re committed to both their well-being and to pushing back against harm.
The Bottom Line
Validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you’re condoning harmful choices or systems. It’s possible—and necessary—to both empathize with someone’s lived experience and be upset about the injustices they face.
When we balance empathy and accountability, we honor both our shared humanity and our commitment to a better, more just world.
Let’s commit to walking this tightrope together, one conversation at a time.
“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” -James Baldwin